Assertivity: Saying NoGeplaatst op: 15 november 2011 Ik Ik
Saying No is often incredibly difficult for people who aim to please others.
You say No to children to give them boundaries, why not use No against adults?
Employers stimulate ‘Yes’ from employees. Not wrong in itself, but there has to be a balance between Yes and No.
We wrestle with No in groups, because we want to be part of the group and subject our own will to the effort. A No has to be motivated, a Yes doesn’t, so Yes is easier.
People who cannot say No, come short in defending their own wellbeing and send out the message ‘I’ll do what you want’. This alone give aggressive people the opportunity for abuse.
If other people take too much work on their shoulders, it’s no reason for you to take their burden. Especially if your shoulders are burdened to capacity.
Other people’s emergencies are not automatically your problem. Not even when they share their problems with you. It’s not your problem they cannot assess their own capabilities and it’s no reason for you to re-assess yours.
If you say Yes too often, you’ll have to compensate that with saying No in situations where you find it less difficult to say so. Like to your partner or children. Who are duped by your eagerness to please at work.
The balance is important—saying no to everything will make people think you’re rude or unhelpful, saying yes to everything will make people think you’re a pushover. Where’s the balance?
Silence is not golden. Silence is Yes. Silence is ‘I agree with you’. Either that or you’re considered weak and indecisive. Do not waver. If you cannot make a decision, say you need more information to come to a decision. In no way agree in silence—people can get angry later because your silence gave them the idea you were on their side when you weren’t.
If someone asks for your assistance, it’s important to know if this assistance won’t interfere with previous engagements—at work as well as at home. Write down your appointments in your organizer and never take a decision without consulting your organizer first. Distinguish between informal appointments [which can be cancelled without too many consequences] and fixed appointments [where cancelling can have dire consequences]. Make sure to keep enough time between appointments to avoid ‘running late’.